On Love & Marriage

Source: Photopin

For better or worse, I often feel like an alien in my day-to-day life.  Rather than seeing things like someone that's been on this earth for nearly 30 years, I'm usually questioning what goes on around me.  

Why do people act like that?  Why do I think this?  (cue eyes looking directly at my navel). 

Call it curiosity.  Call it maladaptive.  Either way, it means I have a lot of thoughts in my head.

One of these such topics is marriage.
I'm happy for married friends (really I am). 

I'm not bitter.  I got over that at age 23 when my friends started getting married (explanation: I'm from Texas) 
I love going to weddings (I even CRY at them and blog about them).
I'm a huge proponent of gay marriage.
I love a good story about elderly love birds (post here)
And, finally, I love (and live with) my boyfriend Alan & see us together in the unforeseeable future.

So, what's my shtick?

Watch this clip and then proceed.

As may have noticed, Comedian Aziz Ansari is apparently an alien to this tradition as well.  He has a bit of a "whaaat?" attitude on the sacred tradition we call marriage (and is also very funny).

Aziz's 1st Point: It's a big f*ing decision

How do people know they want to spend the REST OF THEIR LIFE with someone they've only known a year or two?  That's an intense bet on another human being.  I can barely stay in the same city or job for a year, let alone MY ENTIRE LIFE.

(Note: Like the all caps?  It's suppose to be read in an deep, intense voice -- i.e., reessstttt of your lifffffeeee)

Aziz's 2nd Point: It's an insane request

We are very familiar with marriage.  

Your parents were probably married.

Their parents were probably married.  

If you're an adult, your friends are likely married (you, the reader, is probably married)

But, what if you didn't know about marriage.  It'd then be a bit weird if someone you dated for a year said, "hey, this has been going really well.  let's do this until we DIE.  do not f*ing back out of this deal."

And, it's not just those 2 points.

Our version of marriage is unique compared to the types of relationships that have existed in the past.

As my favorite modern day philosopher, Alain de Botton, wrote:

"Taking a step back, what distinguishes modern marriage from its historical precedents is its fundamental tenet that all our desires for love, sex and family ought to reside in the selfsame person.  No other society has been so stringent or so hopeful about the institution of marriage, nor ultimately, as a consequence, so disappointed in it."

Starting BC (before Christ), there were arranged marriages and concubines (King Soloman for example had 700 wives and 300 concubines), which illustrates that: A) marriage was essentially a business negotiation to ensure the survival of the lineage, B) marriage and sex were separated.  Then, in the middle ages, we introduced troubadours who praised love and chivalry, yet never really touched on the other two components of sex and family.  They were then followed by the libertines who rebelled against moral constraints and placed value on physical pleasures outside of love and family.

The history is a confusing mess -- nothing like the love & marriage traditions we have today.  

In the mid-1800s, the bourgeoisie stepped in and created "modern marriage."  They had businesses to run and storehouse to manage, which led to a shortage of time.

"The bourgeoisie was hence neither so downtrodden as not to have time for the luxury of romantic love nor so liberated from necessity as to be able to pursue erotic and emotional entanglements without limit." - Alain de Botton

  

Essentially, they created the "happy meal" of love, sex and family -- all found in 1 person.

But, is this "modern marriage" created by the bourgeoisie actually working?

I'm not sure.  The astoundingly high divorce rate (40% - 50% in the United States) points to "not really."  Apparently, it's really hard to find one person to meet all of your needs, even with the scary "to death do we part" vows and expensive wedding costs.

I mean, our version of marriage has only been around for a second in comparison to the history of the world.  Maybe it's not the "very best solution" for humans.

Do I have a better alternative?  Not really.

I simply think that weddings and lifelong commitment put an unnecessary pressure on a relationship.  It's awesome if people can hack it, but not every single person is right for marriage.  Maybe our cultural norms should change.

Personally, I'd prefer to just live out my relationship day-to-day.  Perhaps Alan & I will be together UNTIL DEATH or maybe just a few years.  Either way, it will be time very well spent and an incredibly meaningful phase of my life.